In Too Deep
by AnonymouslyAddicted
Summary: "They say that time's supposed to heal you, but I ain't done much healing" - Adele
1. Chapter 1

**A/N** : This is a complete mess, and I'm not even sure it's finished. Please consider this is a draft of the mess going on in my head. I keep thinking about that scene at the end of the episode and I can't get over all the emotions. I was hoping this would give my mind some rest but I found myself struggling to find the right words. I was also struggling to find the time to write it, but that's a different story. I'm feeling a little blue, and I guess I sort of let it out here, I'm sorry about that. That whole scene totally made me cry. Anyways, I'm posting it, in spite of how uncertain I am of this. I hope it's readable. Would love to know what you think! More Hard Rain should be up this weekend (hopefully!)

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 **In Too Deep**

She was sitting in his embrace, his hands wrapping her body, her back resting against his chest. She let the rise and fall of his breath soothe her. It was a long day. They were looking out the window, each of them so busy with their thoughts, a million miles apart. She wanted to have words to comfort him. He had done it a million times before for her, always having the right thing to say. But she sat there, lost in her own troubles, wondering if she ever had words to comfort him, or if this was a first because of how far they grew from each other; because of the wall between them.

Tears rolled down her cheeks as she thought of better days, when they sat at the windowsill, snuggled in each other, watching the snow falling outside, not having a care in the world. Back then, they still lived in Virginia; they were still able to talk about every detail of their day. Back then they were just two professors, madly and deeply in love with each other. World crises were reserved for someone bigger than them, from someone far away from them. Back then, they lived in their own little piece of paradise, and nothing else mattered.

She reached to wipe her tears and his eyes were immediately on her, scanning her, worry mixed with sorrow written on his face. She didn't meet his gaze. Still looking out the window, she felt his eyes on her, his arm tightening around her. He kissed her hair and then her neck and her cheek, wordlessly asking her to turn around and look at him, to let him in, to allow him to figure out what had brought her to tears. She sighed, finally meeting his eyes, smiling softly through her tears. She hated that she let it get the best of her. That instead of comforting him, he now had to comfort her. She hated how she broke sometimes, how she couldn't stop her tears. She could be anyone and do anything, but when it came to Henry, every little thing could rattle her world, bring her to tears, make her break. She loved him so much she swore sometimes it hurt.

"Don't tell me you let him get to you this way! Baby, he's your brother, stop taking him so seriously! That's what he does, I thought you knew better by now".

She smiled, wiping another tear. "It's not that" she said.

"What then?" He asked, wrapping another arm around her, pulling her closer into his embrace.

"Nothing, it's nothing. I'm okay".

"Elizabeth..."

"I'm okay, really. It's nothing" she said, moving closer to him, lightly kissing his lips.

"Why the tears then?" He asked as their lips parted.

"Stupid tears" she chuckled, though another tear rolled down her face. She sighed, wiping it away. "You have enough on your mind without me bothering you with my stupid issues and insecurities".

"No" he said, kissing her hair again. "You are the only thing on my mind that matters. And your issues and insecurities are not stupid. What's going on?"

"I just... I miss you. And I hate seeing you hurt so bad. And I hate that there's nothing I can do about it. I want to take this darkness away from you; I want to comfort you; I want to offer you advice or just a listening ear. I want to be there for you like you are there for me, always".

"Baby... I'm fine, really. I'm just figuring this whole thing out, but I'm okay. I am".

"Henry, I've been at the CIA long enough to understand you never figure this out. But I had you to come home to every day- you and your smart words, your warm embrace, your soft kisses and your promises for better days. I want to do the same for you. I want you to lean on me, to talk to me. I want you to let me make you feel like you're not alone in this. But I... You don't let me".

"Elizabeth... I'm... I'm only doing this..."

"I know" she said, stopping him. "You're only doing this to protect me. I guess some days it just gets me harder than others".

"I don't want it to get you at all".

"Well... That's not possible. I love you way too much".

He smiled and kissed her, his lips lingering a minute longer, needing to tell her just how much he loves her too. No words could describe it.

"Truth be told, and it might sound stupid to you, but I'd rather risk going to prison. It's stupid. This whole thing is fucked up. They trust us enough to give us this high security clearance, but not enough to allow us to actually tell each other things? It's not that I need to know the details of what it is that you're doing. I need to know what is eating you like this. And if they find me guilty for violating the Espionage Act, then so be it. I live in the present; I don't want to live in the "if", in the future. You are here right now, and you're hurting. And I just... I can't stand it".

"Babe, I can't let you go to prison. I can't".

"I know" she sighed. "That's why I'm not pushing".

"But I can't see you crying either".

She sighed. Her eyes filled with tears again as she heard the words fall from his lips. Sometimes she wished they didn't love each other so much. "I'm okay. Really. Most of the time anyway".

He wanted her to be okay all the time. He hated compromising for anything other than that. He hated that he couldn't make her feel safe anymore, that he was unable to reassure her. There really was no better path – it was either he talked to her and give the haters more reason to hate, or he kept drowning in this unfamiliar territory while she stands on the outside, begging him to let her save him.

"Can I tell you something?" she asked, noticing how lost he was in his thoughts, how much they troubled him.

"Sure".

"Do you remember the time I was in Iraq? Sent there with some new intel about this terrorist".

"Yes, the one that made you write that report about torture. I remember".

"I was a wreck for weeks" she whispered softly, swallowing the lump in her throat.

"I could barely get you to get out of bed, let alone eat".

"And I couldn't tell you anything. I just stared into space all the time. I wanted you to know so badly, I wanted you to see me for who I really am. I needed to know, to be sure. I… I kept thinking that one day you'll find out, and it will be the day you realize you can't even look at me. I kept waiting for us to fall apart, for you to leave. I kept waiting for you to tell me how horrible I am; to get mad at me for not putting an end to it sooner; for knowing and still playing my part. Every time you walked into the room I thought this was it, this was goodbye; I thought this was the moment you were going to tell me you no longer love me".

He listened carefully. She never told him that. He still doesn't know how he managed to get her back on her feet after that. Back then he thought time was all she needed for healing; now he wondered if she ever healed at all. "Are you still waiting for this?" he asked, a tremble in his voice.

"Maybe. I don't know. But it was this that made me decide I no longer want to be an operative. I was in way too deep and it was way too late. And it was too much for me. The thought of losing you – it made me realize I couldn't do this. I guess at the end of the day I had to acknowledge that if I can't stop it in time, I don't want to do it all".

He sighed. He wasn't sure he wanted to keep doing this as well. He was only sure of one thing – if he reached a point where he thought that if she knew, she would run away – it was too much, too deep, too late. "I think maybe part of me doesn't want you to know, because I'm too scared you'll stop loving me; scared you'll leave".

"Henry…" she turned just slightly in his arms, feeling how tense his body had become. Shiver went down her spine as she listened to the words he was saying. "No. I could never stop loving you. I could never leave you. I told you this because I wanted you to know that it's okay, that whatever it is that you're doing – it's not going to make me think any less of you. I wanted you to know you're not alone, that I was there too. But I'm here now as well, and _we_ are here".

"Will we forever?"

"Yes".

She reached for his lips, kissing him softly. "We're in this together, no matter how deep" she whispered as she settled back in his embrace.

He held her tight, feeling his own tears sliding down his cheeks. He knew she was crying too. He kissed her hair and she closed her eyes, resting her arms on his, gently rubbing his skin, soothing him. He closed his eyes and said a little prayer, thanking God for the wonder that she was; for the love they shared; for the right that was given to him to spend his life with her.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N** : A friend of mine told me recently that Adele's songs mean more fics from me. Honestly, that's so true, you have no idea. Her songs somehow always fit the current fandom I love. 25 was no different. So I'm sorry for using all her lyrics, but hey, it's getting fics out of me :) I've been meaning to write this since episode 7, but I didn't get around to it, so I'm glad I finally found the time. There's another chapter planned for this story, not sure when I'll get to it. Sorry for all the angst! They get the best of me! Hope you'll like it!

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" _When the pain cuts you deep, when the night keeps you from sleeping, just look and you will see that I will be your remedy" – Adele_

She woke up to find the bed empty. Again. Since Ivan killed himself, Henry barely got any sleep. He tossed and turned until finally he left their bed and went downstairs. He figured that if wasn't sleeping, it doesn't mean she shouldn't sleep either. She got up and pulled her sweater on. It was a chilly night, and without him in bed, she didn't have anyone to warm her. Heading downstairs, she found him on the couch, watching Gunsmoke. She smiled. She never really figured out why this show was such a comfort for him. She figured it has something to do with his childhood, but he never seemed to want to talk about it, and she didn't push. When he returned from the war and couldn't get sleep either, they stayed in bed all night watching the show. She sat in his embrace and he ran his fingers through her hair until she fell asleep. One night she had to stay at work, and she knew he was home, alone, watching his show. She wanted to be with him, but they were waiting on some information that was due to arrive. She found a spot where no one could bother her and called him. She didn't speak. Neither did he. She just listened to the rise and fall of his breath, to the sounds the TV was making. At one point he fell asleep, but she didn't hung up. She listened to him mumble in his sleep, words she didn't understand, dreams that haunted him about the things he saw, the things he did.

She walked over to him and her arms moved down his chest. He leaned his head backwards, looking up at her. She smiled, kissing his forehead. He stroked her arms with his hands, feeling her frozen palms.

"You're freezing. Come here" he said, pulling the blanket so she could crawl inside beside him.

She placed herself in his arms, her arm wrapping around his chest, resting her head where his heart was beating. He moved his arm to her waist, drawing her closer to him. His hand rested on her palm, gently rubbing it, trying to warm her.

"I don't think I ever saw this one" she said.

"You haven't. It's the one where you got stuck late at work".

She smiled, moving her head to look at him. He leaned forward and kissed her softly. "Don't you have to work on the whole Cuba mess again tomorrow morning?"

"I do, so?"

"So you came home in the middle of the night, and you still have to figure out this mess. Go back to sleep honey".

"I'm perfectly fine here" she said as she snuggled closer to him.

"Babe, it's the 4th night in a row. You have to sleep".

"You do too".

He sighed, chuckling. There was no way he could convince her. He tried it every night, and each night she said the same thing – if he can't sleep, she didn't want to. So she sat with him, watching the show. From time to time she would start to kiss him, and they'd make out for a while. Eventually she would fall asleep in his arms and he would carry her upstairs and place her in bed, tucking her under the covers. And then he'd stand next to her for a few minutes, watching her sleeping peacefully, wondering how did she manage her day after barely sleeping at night. He would gently caress her cheek, watching her as she smiled in her sleep. Some nights he just sat next to their bed and watched her, not returning to his show. And when she woke up in the morning, opening her eyes to see him, she would smile coyly, pulling the blanket over her head, hiding from him as her cheeks flushed. Then he would move to tickle her, listening to her giggle. He would pull the covers from her, and lying on top of her, he would look into her eyes and smile before his lips find her and they kiss.

He thought tonight was going to be the same. Especially since he saw how exhausted she was when she came home. As the episode ended he turned the TV off. He wanted to take her back to bed, wanting her to sleep the few hours she still had left. But as the screen went dark, she moved her head to meet his eyes. "Aren't we watching the next one?" she asked.

He shook his head and smiled. "You are going to sleep" he said as he moved his legs to the floor, trying to get up.

She leaned against his chest, sitting, moving her leg above his body as she settled on his hips. He moved his hands to the small of her back, pulling her closer to him. "The way I see it – you have three options: We can watch more Gunsmoke; we can make out and you can do that thing you love with your tongue; or we can talk about whatever you want. If you want me to sleep, you have to sleep too".

His hand moved to her hair and he pulled her to him. He kissed her lips at first, his tongue only daring to go into her mouth, gently stroking her lips. She opened her mouth, providing him with access as his tongue entered her mouth and found her tongue. He swirled his tongue around hers while his lips sucked hers. Gently, he moved his tongue on the upper part of her mouth, making her moan into his mouth. Pulling his tongue out, he sucked her lips until she pushed him back slightly, needing some air. When she met his lips again, he wrapped his arms around her back and carefully stood up, picking her up with him.

"Hey! That's not fair" she scolded as he began climbing up the stairs.

He placed her in bed, climbing on top of her, pecking her lips. "Baby, Ivan will still be dead tomorrow morning. There's nothing you can do about this. Cuba, on the other hand, is still something you can fix. I want you to sleep and I want you to stop worrying about me so much. I will be okay, I promise".

"Henry, you spent countless of nights awake with me when I couldn't sleep. You held me tight while I cried and while I was numb. You never closed your eyes until you knew I have fallen asleep. And no matter how much I begged, you never let go. I want to do the same for you. I want to comfort you until you feel better".

"Baby, one kiss from you can get me through the night" he grinned.

"Henry, I'm serious. I'm not urging you to talk, I get that you don't want to. So please, just let me sit with you".

He sighed, rolling off of her.

"Why are you trying so hard to push me away?" she asked.

"Because I don't know how to tell you that this was my fault".

"How was it your fault?"

"I should've known he could do something like that. When I tried to get him to ask for the asylum, I should've known his image and his parents' image was more important than anything and that he'd rather die than let anyone close to him know that he was gay. I shouldn't have let him off my sight".

"Baby, there is no way you could've know that he would kill himself. You did everything you could to help him. You have to let go, you have to stop making this your fault. You were his teacher, and you did much more than any other teacher did for him. You can't fix all the wrong in the world, and sometimes, evil wins".

"I hate to live in a world where parents make their children believe they're better off without them if they're not as they are expected to be".

"Is that why you got so mad about Alison?"

He smiled. She knew him so well, it still took him by surprise sometimes. "Yes. I don't want her to feel like she can't tell us things. I don't want her to feel like she has to hide things from us".

"Well, maybe you should tell her that. Unlike Ivan, Alison is your daughter. And you can make sure she knows you'll love her for who she is, no matter what".

He nodded and she moved closer to him, kissing his cheek. "You are not _his_ parents Henry. You're the best father in the world. Just ask your children".

"Promise me you'll tell me if at any point I'm making them feel like they have to lie to me?"

She chuckled. "Promise. But babe, sometimes, kids just choose the easy way out. I think Ivan also did that. It doesn't mean you failed. It's just nature".

"I want to believe that we have taught our children to face the problem, rather than running away. If we haven't, then I did fail".

" _We_ failed. We are in this together, remember? For better and for worse. And I think we did pretty well with them" she said, offering a smile.

"You're perfect, you know that? Don't ever change" he said as he pulled her to lie on top of him.

Tonight, she kissed him until she felt his body drifting to sleep. Then she lied in his arms and watched him sleep for the first night this week. His mind finally gave him the rest he needed. She probably slept for two hours, but when she woke up and he genuinely smiled at her, she could see the glimpse of hope in his eyes, and it was enough to get her through the rest of the day.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N** : This is the last piece for this one. I think. Unless they plan on giving me more things to write about in the next episode. But consider this done for now. Sorry for going a little dark, I was really lacking this from the episode, especially since it seemed like it was heading that way, and since I THINK it should've headed that way. Either way, I did end it more lightly than it had begun so I hope it's okay. Would love to read your take on this!

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" _There is something about the way you love me that finally feels like home" – Adele_

"Aren't you supposed to be at the UN right now?" he asked as he met her at the door.

"Henry, you'd better be right about this" she whispered.

Taking off his glasses, he rested his hands on hers. "Come here" he whispered, and she leaned forward, resting her forehead against his. He rubbed her arms, trying to soothe her. He kissed her forehead and then moved to meet her eyes again. "I love you" he murmured and she rested her forehead against his again.

He took her coat and her bag from her hand and placed it on the table next to them. Taking her hand in his, he guided her upstairs, into their bedroom. He opened the hot water at their tub, letting in fill as steams filled the room. He slowly removed her clothes, one piece at a time. She shivered when he stripped her completely, suddenly feeling exposed. He undressed as well and sank into the hot water. She stepped into the tub as well, settling against his chest, his hands immediately moving to wrap around her.

She closed her eyes and sighed, tears sliding her face.

"Was I wrong to tell you?" he asked.

"No. Not at all. I just feel so lost. I don't know where to go from here".

"Did you try to get some answers?"

"I did. And all I got were more questions that needed to be asked a long time ago. And for some reason, neither the President nor Russell want to ask them. It's like they want to go to war with Russia". She sighed.

"You talked to Russell?" he asked, concern in his voice. Russell was not stupid, and Henry knew he could figure them out.

"Yes. He asked me if you told me anything and I played dumb, telling him whatever it is that you two talked about is between the two of you, and I'm simply asking questions that should've been asked a long time ago. He didn't look convinced".

"Do you think he will turn us in?"

"Honestly, I have no idea. After all these years training to read people as a CIA analyst, I can't seem to read him. Every time I think I have him figured out, he pulls some new rabbit out of the hat. Truth is, I think it depends on how this will play – if you were right and I will find the one responsible for the attack on Air Force One, I think Russell will bite his tongue and not say a word. But if Russia is behind this, and I just bailed on the most important speech of my life in front of the UN, he might want to get me fired, and what better way to do that than this".

"Do you have any leads to who did this?" he asked, moving so he can look at her.

She shook her head. "None" she admitted. And just like she has been feeling for the past couple of days, the room began to spin and she felt like she's about to fall. She hasn't felt that way for such a long time, and it came back as if she never got better. She began panting, trying to catch her breath. Her chest was heaving rapidly, the color drained from her face. She leaned forward, gasping for air. But the room was covered in steams and it only served in making her feel trapped.

"Elizabeth!" Henry shouted. He tried to call her name, but she didn't seem to hear him. He forgot himself what it was like when she had a panic attack. He moved his hands on her back, rubbing her. "Honey, slow deep breaths, come on" he said, but his words were not helping and he wasn't even sure she heard him. Careful not to startle her, he got out of the tub and pulled a towel around his waist. He picked her up, getting her of the tub as well, and carried her to their room. He placed her on the floor and retrieved a towel, wrapping it around her body. She was shaking, both from the cold and the lack of air. He gently moved her to sit on the bed, his arm wrapping around her.

"Baby, everything will be alright. Calm down, I'm right here" he whispered in her ear, trying to keep his voice calm and quiet.

"I… Can't… Let… You… Go... To… Prison" she muttered. Barely able to talk, her breath short after each word.

"Shh. Don't speak" he said, pulling her closer to him. He kissed her cheek and she closed her eyes, releasing a deep breath. "That's it. Just relax. It'll be okay, I promise. Just breathe babe, I've got you".

Letting his words calm her down, she slowly returned to normal breathings. Her body still shivering, he felt her cold skin under his hands. She was still covered by only a towel. He got up and brought her some clothes, pulling her favorite sweatshirt over her head, then helped her into her pants. He pulled her for a hug, holding her tight, kissing her hair.

"You feel better?" he asked, pushing her gently to meet her eyes.

She nodded, though tears slid down her cheeks. He reached to wipe them, offering a smile.

"I'll go get you something to drink, okay?" he asked, leading her back to the bed, helping her settle under the covers.

He returned with a glass of water and some ice cream, setting in bed next to her. He handed her the water, urging her to drink, and then pulled her to his embrace, offering her a spoon and the ice cream. Gladly, she dug in, making him laugh. He kissed her forehead and then moved to kiss her lips, tasting the ice cream.

"Sorry for scaring you" she said.

"No, it's okay. Just been a while since the last time this happened".

"It's been a while since I was so scared, too".

"Babe, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to… Maybe I was wrong to tell you".

"Henry, no. I needed to know. Being at war with Russia is just as scary, believe me".

"Yes, but sending you into a panic attack, after over a year since…"

She smiled. "Baby, my main trigger was the fear of losing you. It hasn't changed. I have to learn to live with it. And I have. But only up to a point. When it gets too real, when there's an actual chance something could take you away from me, it's too much I guess".

"Sweetie, nothing will ever take me away from you. I won't let it". He leaned closer to her, kissing her softly. He felt her tears on his face, but she didn't pull back. She wrapped her hand around his neck, and pulled him closer to her.

Taking the ice cream from her hand and setting it on the night stand, he wiped her tears and kissed her again, pushing her to lie on her back as he climbed on top of her. His lips danced on hers, their tongues moving together. She moaned into his mouth as her fingers ran through his hair.

"Henry, what if I don't figure this out?" she said as he allowed her some air.

"You always do. We always do. And like always, we're doing this together" he said, smiling. "Stop thinking about this for tonight. Let's just enjoy this quiet evening together".

She nodded, leaning forward to kiss him again. "Why is it so silent by the way? I was expecting none-stop phone calls" he said, pushing her back to the bed.

"Turned it off and threw it into my bag, dee deep into my bag" she said, laughing.

"So unless they come knocking down the door, I have you all for myself tonight?" he teased.

"Henry, after tonight I have a feeling you'll have me all for yourself for a very long time. You know, since I'll probably get fired".

"Great, that way we can pack a bag and get out of here" he laughed. "Seriously, though, babe. I want you to relax. And I know just how to achieve it" he grinned, a mischievous smile on his face.

"How so Professor?" she asked, playing coy.

He moved closer to her and kissed her lips, his tongue moving in her mouth. "You're about to find out" he whispered in her ear and then began planting kisses along her jaw and her neck, making her giggle.

"I love you" she whispered.

He met her eyes and smiled, moving a strand hair from her face. "I love you too babe. More than you'll ever know" he said and kissed her again.


End file.
